Humor - The best medicine

Discussion in 'Political/Religious Topics' started by grizcty, Oct 31, 2016.

  1. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
    The CO says "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
    So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
    The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
    "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a three-day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!"

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    The millionaire was arrested for speeding and brought before the judge in a small community. When the judge offered him the alternative of paying a $10 fine or serving ten days in jail the millionaire decided to take the ten days.

    “But, my good man, you are wealthy,” said the judge, amazement ringing his face. “Why you should prefer ten days in jail to paying a $10 fine is beyond me.”

    “It’s like this, Judge,” the man explained. “Our chef left and my wife figures it’ll take that long to find a new one.”

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    Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
    She replies, 'No'.
    Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
    His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

    Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
    She replies, 'No.'
    Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
    His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.'

    After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
    His mom says, 'No.'
    He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
    His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'
    He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think... I gave him my airplane glue....'

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    Five Jewish men influenced the history of Western civilization.
    Moses said the law is everything.
    Jesus said love is everything.
    Marx said capital is everything.
    Freud said sex is everything.
    Einstein said everything is relative.

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    Beer, boobs and muffled silence... ;)

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  2. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
    Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

    'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
    Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
    'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
    The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
    'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck.'

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    While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

    Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
    "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

    Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
    About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

    "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

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    A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while.

    "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

    "Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

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    A father and son went hunting together for the first time.

    The father said, "Stay here and be very quiet. I'll be across the field."

    A little while later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son asking, "What's wrong? I told you to be quiet."

    The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I panicked..."

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  3. Rave

    Rave G&G Evangelist

    Amen on not truly knowing a woman,amen. :usa2:
     
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  4. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    Paul asked his wife Joyce, "Did you leave a tip for the boy who delivers our paper?"

    Joyce replied, "Yes, dear. I put some of it in the bushes, some of it on the roof, and some of it in the front yard."

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    For his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

    His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

    The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

    Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike."

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    An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

    The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

    The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

    The pharmacist said, "That wont do you any good."

    The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

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    A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores.

    “Not yet,” says the little boy.
    His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any breakfast.

    Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
    He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

    “How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
    “Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.”
    Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
    The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”

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  5. savage12755a

    savage12755a G&G Evangelist

    Customer at a counter of a lawn ornament shop:

    "Give me four of those pinwheels, two of those pink flamingos, two of the sunflowers, and one of those bent-over grandma in bloomers."

    Cashier's reply:

    "That'll be eight dollars for the pinwheels, ten dollars for the flamingos, six dollars for the sunflowers, and an apology to my wife!"
     
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  6. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Side of Life
    1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
    2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.
    3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.
    4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
    5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than your wife.
    6. Good: You give the 'birds and bees' talk to your 10 year old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.
    7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend.
    8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

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    Seems a guy was driving for hours through desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and 'splat'... he flattened the cat.

    Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants.

    When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon me madame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off...."
    "Not so fast," says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?"
    The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said, "He looks like this," as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.
    "Oh no, you horrible man," she replied. "I meant, what did he look like before you hit him?"
    At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed, "Agggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!"

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    The boss was concerned that his employees weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried an old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said, “I’m the Boss,” and taped it to his door.

    After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his.
    “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”

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    A rabbi loved to play golf, but he never seemed to have time. He couldn't play on Shabbat, there was religious school on Sundays, and on days off, something always came up.
    But, amidst all the activity of the High Holidays, he got a very early tee time before services on Yom Kippur.

    A passing angel saw him and reported to the Lord.

    "I'll take care of him," was the casual response, and the angel hurried back to the golf course to watch.

    On the next hole, the rabbi got a hole in one.
    Baffled, the angel returned to question the Lord. "Weren't you going to punish him for playing golf on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar?" the angel asked. "He just got a hole in one!"

    "I know," replied the Lord with a smile, "But who's he going to tell?"

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  7. rando

    rando G&G Evangelist Forum Contributor

    7,431
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    Maryland
    Good stuff Chris. You never fail to make me laugh from your postings
     
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  8. rando

    rando G&G Evangelist Forum Contributor

    7,431
    15,153
    Maryland
    OH Hell... Thats dang funny now.
     
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  9. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    Today was tax day :D

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    Larry was startled to see the nonchalant way Jason was taking the fact that his girlfriend was seen with another man.

    “You said you loved her, and yet, you saw her with another man and you didn’t knock the guy down?”

    “I’m waiting.”

    “Waiting for what?” asked Larry

    “Waiting to catch her with a smaller guy.”

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    A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

    "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

    "That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

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    Yesterday I came back to my office from Court. There was a new secretary (a very attractive blonde, of course) in the office down the hall from me. She flagged me down and asked for help. "My floppy drive won't work, can you help me?" she asked.
    I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive. While I spent the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys, John and Dave, in the hall trying awfully hard to keep straight faces. Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.

    "Oh, you mean the condom!" she said.

    "Condom???" I asked.

    "Yes, John and Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses."

    By this point, John & Dave were roaring, and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played, and she shouldn't do that anymore, when she asked (as serious as one could be):

    "Does that mean I don't have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either???"

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    Jesus and St. Paul are in Heaven talking about the pollution in the seas and rivers of the earth. The Holy Son says he is going down to view the situation himself. Paul agrees to join him.

    When they get there, Jesus discovers a huge metal pipe.

    Paul explains to him that it talks the waste out to sea where it kills the sea life.

    Jesus then walks out to sea on top of the waves where Paul follows underneath the surface.

    He keeps walking on in amazement of Jesus' skill to be able to walk on water.

    Finally Paul asks for some help.
    "Master, I will follow you anywhere, but I'm up to my neck in freezing cold water, and I think I'm going to drown."
    Jesus looks at Paul and says, "Why don't you walk on the pipe like me?"

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  10. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out."
    As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.
    The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow.

    I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"

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    An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist were standing around the university flagpole when an English professor wandered by.

    “What are you doing?” he asked.

    “We need to know the height of the flagpole,” said one, “and we’re discussing the formulas we might use to calculate it.”

    “Watch!” said the English professor. He pulled the pole from its fitting, laid it on the grass, borrowed a tape measure and said, “Exactly 24 feet.” Then he replaced the pole and walked away.

    “English professor!” sneer the mathematician, “We ask him for the height, and he gives us the length.”

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    A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

    "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
    Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.

    "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

    Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
    "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.
    'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'
    But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel.'"

    The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
    The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you're going to get screwed."

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    An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

    "I've never been better," he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

    The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him? He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle...

    *BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."

    "That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

    "EXACTLY!"

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  11. Rave

    Rave G&G Evangelist

    NANCY PELOSI SAID IN 2006 "You don't need God anymore,you have us Democrats. ':cool:
     
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  12. Rave

    Rave G&G Evangelist

    Three black men and a communist,he's gotta come down :eek:
     
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  13. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    Little Johnny runs in and tells his mother, "You’d better come out. I’ve just knocked over the ladder at the side of the house."

    His mother says, "Go and tell your father, I’m busy."
    Little Johnny says, "Mom, he already knows. He’s hanging from the roof."

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    So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.

    There are 365 days per year available for work.

    There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

    Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

    You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

    With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

    You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.

    We are off 5 holidays per year, so you're available working time is down to 15 days.

    We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work.

    I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

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    A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
    His wife glares at him and says, 'Who was that??!!'

    'Oh,' replies the husband, 'that was my mistress.'

    The wife says, 'That's it; I want a divorce.'

    'I understand,' replies her husband, 'but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours.'

    Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. 'Who's that woman with Jim?' she asks.

    'That's his mistress,' replies her husband.

    'Ours is prettier,' says the wife.

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    One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. in Jeff's house.

    He picked up the phone and a woman asked, "Is this 555-1111?"
    "No, this is 555-1112." Jeff replied.
    "Oh, I'm so sorry for disturbing you," the woman said.
    "That's alright," Jeff said. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."

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  14. Over the years, I've had many many inferences like this, I am here in person to tell you that no more than 75% 80 tops, are even remotely factual.
     
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  15. Rave

    Rave G&G Evangelist

    I really liked those wet floors! :usa::D
     
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  16. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D


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    A guy walks up and sees a jar of money in a bar.
    The Barman says you need to do 3 things to get all the money.

    1. He points over to a big guy, 6'9" 280 lbs. You have to walk up to him and knock him out in one punch.

    2. Pull a tooth out of a rottweilers mouth.

    3. Screw a 70 year old lady.

    He walks over to the big guy and knocks him out in one punch.

    He takes the dog in the bathroom and all you hear is yelling and screaming.

    He comes out all bloody and says, "Now where is that 70 year old lady I have to pull the tooth out of?"

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    A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"
    Several men stood up as the lights came on.
    An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice, Jewish girl?"

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    A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.
    His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"
    "You'll see," he replies.
    They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.
    "Ok," says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."
    His daughter screams ... "Don't eat it, Jimmy! ... It's a **** ******* ..."

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    A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law.

    One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.

    Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!

    "Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically, "Do something!"

    "Oh, no," the husband says, "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!"

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