Humor - The best medicine

Discussion in 'Political/Religious Topics' started by grizcty, Oct 31, 2016.

  1. 63B20

    63B20 G&G Evangelist

    863
    1,555
    Montana
    Jist Jest Joust
     
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  2. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.
    1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
    2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
    3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
    4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

    5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
    6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
    7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

    ########

    "And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.

    "No, thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."

    As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife?" he asked.

    "Yeah! That's a good idea." the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."

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    A blonde walked in a diner and orders a cup of coffee. When she gets her drink, she notices that it has a "contest game piece" on the side of the cup. She peels off the sticker and instantly starts screaming, "I won a motor home!" She
    continues shouting, "I won a motor home!" until the waitress decides to get her boss.

    "What's the problem here?" the manager asks.

    "I won a motor home!" she shouts again.

    "That's impossible!" he replies. "We didn't give out motor homes."

    She says "Well, it says so on this sticker."

    The boss takes the sticker and reads it.
    It says: "Win a bagel."

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    Dad: Son, go buy me a soda.
    Son: Coke or Pepsi?
    Dad: Coke.
    Son: Regular or Diet?
    Dad: Diet.
    Son: In can or bottled?
    Dad: Bottled.
    Son: 8oz or the 12oz?
    Dad: [email protected] you!!! So many questions! Just buy me water.
    Son: Mineral or Distilled?
    Dad: Mineral.
    Son: Cold or warm?
    Dad: I don't think you want to run an errand.....
    Son: Is it obviuos or not?
    Dad: Get out of here!!
    Son: Now or later???

    The son has not been seen for two weeks and counting.

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  3. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    An old tried and true family fruit cake recipe ...
    You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.

    Sample the whisky to check for quality.
    Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
    Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

    Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
    Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.

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    Socrates came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, “Do you know what I just heard about one of your students?”

    "Just a minute,” Socrates replied. “Before you tell me I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Test of Three. The first test is Truth. Are you sure that what you will say is true?"

    “Oh no,” the man said, “Actually I just heard about it.”

    “So you don’t really know if it’s true," Socrates said. "Now let’s try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?”

    “No, on the contrary..”

    “So,” Socrates interrupted, “you want to tell me something bad about him even though you’re not certain it’s true?”

    The man shrugged, rather embarrassed. Socrates continued.

    “You may still pass though, because there is a third test, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me at all?”

    “Well it ..no, not really..”

    “Well," concluded Socates, “if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor ever useful, why tell it to me at all?”

    The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out what Plato was up to.

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    A favorite classic ...

    A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200.

    At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.

    As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by.

    The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and waited for the funeral procession to pass.

    After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt, and completed it, thus winning the game and the money.

    Afterwards, one of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen.

    I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects."

    "Well," said the golfer, "we were married for 25 years."

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    Seated next to a blowhard at a United Nations dinner was an Asian fellow dressed in the robes of one of the Far Eastern countries.

    The blowhard, attempting to make conversation, leaned over and said: "You likeee soupee?"

    The Asian fellow nodded his head.

    "You likeee steakee?"

    The Asian fellow nodded again.

    As it turned out, the guest speaker at the dinner was our Asian friend who got up and delivered a beautiful 50-minute address on the United Nations' definition of "encouragement to self-reliance" by underdeveloped countries of the world.

    The speech was flawless in Oxford English.

    He returned to his place at the head of the table, sat down, and turned to his dinner partner and said, "You likeee speechee?"

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  4. PaleHawkDown

    PaleHawkDown G&G Evangelist

    18,412
    34,223
    My dad bought one of those brand new. He used it once, and then a week or so later he asked if I wanted it.

    It didn't work worth a crap to begin with. It didn't work at all after he "fixed" it.

    I went through all my old cans and jugs to see if I had an older spout that fit it. My plastic jug lids and spouts from the '90s don't fit, nor do the spots from my old metal cans - dating from the '80s back to the '60s, nor does the funnel I have that screws on to other fuel cans.

    What I have learned:
    1. not only is the new spout design garbage, but
    2. they changed the thread and spout size which has seemingly remained constant for the last five decades, and
    3. I can't find a screw-on funnel that DOES fit the threads on this new can, so
    4. I have just been taking the cap off and trying real hard not to spill any when I fill up the mower.
     
  5. runfiverun

    runfiverun G&G Evangelist

    reminds me of earlier this spring.
    we were going down to the valley when I spied a 6 gallon gas can in the barrow pit next to the highway.
    I swerved over across oncoming traffic and slid to a halt from 65 to 0 in like 50 yards.
    the wife nearly dropped her cell phone and was some bent about me ''trying to kill everyone in the truck''.
    [same woman that said nothing about me stopping and shooting rock chucks on the way to her mothers funeral]
     
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  6. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    Easy fix.
    Walmart and other stores sell a quick fix.
    It converts the new style cans back to what we all liked. Simply drill a hole insert the new vent, and screw on the new "old" style spout.
     
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  7. mitchr

    mitchr G&G Evangelist

    7,409
    15,804
    The spout on one of my containers has gotten brittle & started breaking off at the end. When I saw the new spouts & talked to someone about them, I decided I would not buy one. Instead, if my spout ever becomes totally useless, I'll get a large funnel & pour into it, directly from the container.

    Our gubmit dictated those cruddy spouts to save on spills! IMO, they just may make spills easier!:rolleyes:
     
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  8. Huey Rider

    Huey Rider G&G Evangelist Forum Contributor

    My neighbor has one of those. It takes three hands to operate it!
     
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  9. rando

    rando G&G Evangelist Forum Contributor

    7,891
    17,028
    Maryland
    I bought two of them safety gas cans. Like you said it takes all you got to try and hold the spring backed collar and pour. The old nozzles are different thread. I went on You Tube and they had videos on how to remove the safety lock. There was a bunch of them on there a few months ago and should still be around.
     
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  10. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral.

    The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.

    "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them."

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    You might be a redneck if...

    Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

    There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

    You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.

    You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

    Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

    Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

    You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

    You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

    You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

    You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

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    An elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing three eggs and 100 $1 bills.
    He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents.

    Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 30 years of marriage.

    Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "Why?"

    The wife replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings.

    He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings.

    She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.
    The pastor felt that three poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.
    She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1."

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    There once was a man who was so proud of the fact that he had six kids that he insisted on calling his wife "mother of six."

    His wife hated this name and asked him repeatedly not to call her that, but he was a stubborn man and was very proud that he had six kids.

    One evening they were at a dinner party for his company and it was getting close to the time that they should be leaving. The husband yelled from across the room over to his wife, "Mother of six, are you ready to go?"

    Annoyed with his question, she responded, "In a minute, Father of four."

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  11. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D


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    The top six reasons computers must be female:
    6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
    5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
    4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
    3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

    2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as
    "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

    AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:
    As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

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    A woman who had thrown a dinner party, at which raw oysters, curried lamb, and steamed mussels were all served, met her physician on the street the following day.

    “I’m sorry you weren’t able to come to my party last night,” she said. “You are so busy these days, and I think it would have done you some good to have been there.”
    “Your party has done me good,” he said. “I’ve just seen five of your dinner guests.”

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    One day there were two boys playing by a stream when they saw a woman bathing naked.
    All of a sudden one of the boys took off running.
    The other boy took off after his friend.

    After he caught up to him, he asked why he ran away.

    "Well," the boy said, "my mom told me that if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

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    Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say ~
    10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
    9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
    8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
    7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
    6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
    5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
    4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
    3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
    2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
    1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

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  12. ozarkpugs

    ozarkpugs G&G Regular

    20
    37
    US
    they changed the thread

    Sent from my moto g(7) play using Tapatalk
     
  13. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift.

    Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.
    When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the fishing line in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said, "There are no fish in there."

    So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
    So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
    "How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.
    So the man cooly says, "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."

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    Actual Federal Employee Evaluation Quotes
    1. Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
    2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
    3. I would not allow this employee to breed.
    4. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't be.
    5. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
    6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
    7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
    8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
    9. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
    10. This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.
    11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
    12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
    13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
    14. A room temperature IQ.
    15. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
    16. A gross ignoramus -144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
    17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
    18. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
    19. Bright as Alaska in December.
    20. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
    21. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
    22. Fell out of the family tree.
    23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train is going nowhere.
    24. Has two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
    25. He is so dense, light bends around him.
    26. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
    27. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
    28. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
    29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
    30. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
    31. One neuron short of a synapse.
    32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
    33. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch the 60 minutes program.

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    Two lions were lying around in the jungle.

    One of them is licking his butt.
    The other lion asked him, "Why are you licking your butt?"

    The second lion replied, "I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

    ########

    Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working one day on a very high scaffolding when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realise that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

    Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

    "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.
    "Yep," replied Bob.
    "Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
    Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"

    "What??" exclaims Jeff. "You just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"
    "Sure," Bob says.
    "Why?" asks Jeff.

    "Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'Are you Steve's widow?'
    'Widow?' she said. 'No, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

    So I said, 'I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

    ########
    Or the persuasion of a frying pan... frying-pan-smash.gif

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  14. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the street when he passed a policeman who said, "Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo."

    The next day, the boy was walking down the street with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman.

    The policeman said, "Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!" The boy answered, "I did! Today I'm taking him to the movie theater to see Tarzan."

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    Bill Clinton, Vladimir Putin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days.

    They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not" changing his mind.
    Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there "is" a God. The bad news is that He is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
    Vladimir Putin went back and told his staff, "I have good news and terrible news. The first is that there "is" a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

    Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Secondly, you don't have to fix the bugs in any of the Windows operating systems."

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    A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. "You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?"
    "Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer.

    There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.

    "So," the first lawyer continued, "Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?"

    "Nothing," said the witness. "No one was home."

    ########

    A woman is walking down the street and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further."

    She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again.

    "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past.

    Then suddenly she hears the voice saying, "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?"

    "Yes!" shouts the woman. "Just where were you on my wedding day!"

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  15. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    Some musical artists of decades gone by are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate Baby Boomers. :D

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    In the dim and distant past
    When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
    Grandma used to rock and knit,
    Crochet, tat and baby sit.
    When the kids were in a jam,
    They could always call on Gram.
    But today she's in the gym
    Exercising to keep slim.
    She's checking the web or surfing the net,
    Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
    Nothing seems to stop or block her,
    Now that Grandma's off her rocker.

    ########

    A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red.

    After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?"

    Young Bobby replied with, "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

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    A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
    A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.
    "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
    The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.
    He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

    ########

    In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby.

    The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
    A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."
    The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."

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    Last edited: Aug 9, 2020
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  16. Huey Rider

    Huey Rider G&G Evangelist Forum Contributor

    Bee Gees—Barely Alive!
     
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  17. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    Chebby :D


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    ########

    A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over.

    He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
    "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

    The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

    The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart butt when he's drunk and stoned."

    The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
    At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

    ########

    A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

    The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
    The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
    The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
    The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes."

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    A woman went to the doctors office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

    An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and told her to go relax in another room.

    The older doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded,
    "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

    The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

    ########

    Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed.

    After a week or so she went to get the finished photos.

    The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.
    Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry.

    The clerk, trying to console her, said, "Don't worry. Someday your prints will come."

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  18. Rave

    Rave G&G Evangelist

    That hit list hit the spot! :usa:
     
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  19. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D


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    Zeke and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a "Team" truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren't the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them separately.

    He first interviews Zeke. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zeke barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.
    The personnel manager next interviews them together. He presents them with this potential problem: "Now Zeke and Luke, let's say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you'd do?"

    About a minute passes and there was no answer.

    Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up, "I know, I know, I know the first thing I'd do."

    The personnel manager says, "Yes Luke, what is the first thing you'd do?"

    Luke says, "I'd wake Zeke up."

    The personnel manager replies, "WHAT ! "Why would wake Zeke up?"

    "Cause," says Luke, "He ain't never seen no big accident before!"

    ########

    Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
    St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.”

    The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.”
    St. Peter let her through the gate.

    St. Peter turned to the garbage man and figuring Heaven didn’t REALLY need all the odors this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?”

    But the trash man had just seen the movie, too, and he answered, “about 1,500.”
    “That’s right! You may enter,” said Peter.
    Then St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, “Name them.”

    ########

    USEFUL WORK PHRASES
    1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
    2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean
    you're an artist.
    3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
    4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
    5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
    6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
    7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
    8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
    9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
    10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
    11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
    12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
    13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
    14. How about never? Is never good for you?
    15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
    16. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.
    17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
    18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
    19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
    20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
    21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
    22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
    23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
    24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
    25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
    26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

    ########

    [​IMG]

    ########


    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

    After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though.

    This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

    At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
    Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

    ########

    [​IMG]