Humor - The best medicine

Discussion in 'Political/Religious Topics' started by grizcty, Oct 31, 2016.

  1. Ten Man

    Ten Man G&G Evangelist

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    You never watched Roadrunner cartoons?

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  2. Rave

    Rave G&G Evangelist

    Loved 'em,but I still don't get what she is doing? o_O
     

  3. Ten Man

    Ten Man G&G Evangelist

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    Ohhh. You mean the stupid bimbo touching the electric fence to see if it really does shock you.
     
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  4. mitchr

    mitchr G&G Evangelist

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    Yeah, "electric fence" sign is about the same as the "wet paint" sign for some folks. :p Just can't stand not testin' it!
     
  5. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    My ex-wife and I could not reconcile our marriage because of religious differences. She thought she was God. I disagreed.

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    There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river.

    John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.


    He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence?


    He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"

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    Bill and Hilary were driving through Little Rock, and when they passed by a gas station a big man yelled 'Hi Hilary' and Hilary said 'Hi Bubba'.

    Bill asked 'who was that?' And Hilary told him it was a old high school boyfriend. Bill said, 'See if you married him you would be married to a gas station attendant, but you married me now you're the first lady.'

    And Hilary told him, 'If I married him he would be the president, and you would be the gas station attendant.'

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    President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.
    "It's me, Bill Clinton".

    "What bad things did you do on Earth?"

    Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had some affairs, but you couldn't hold that against me because no one called them affairs! And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

    After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' Don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, but don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

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    Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

    Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

    Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.

    Canadians: Believe that it's the government's job.

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  6. mitchr

    mitchr G&G Evangelist

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    When buying snacks on grocery day, I get something that I know my wife likes & something I like. Guess which one she eats first!:(
     
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  7. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them.

    "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."


    When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.

    "He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.

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    An investment advisor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.


    "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?"


    "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."


    "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment advisor.


    The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

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    A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see.

    One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.

    "Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.

    "That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."

    The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact.

    Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'?"
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    Business One-liners

    If it looks too good to be true, it is too good to be true.

    If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.

    If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

    If it works, don't fix it!

    If idiots could fly, this world would be an airport.

    If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.

    If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.

    If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.

    If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.

    If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.
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  8. mitchr

    mitchr G&G Evangelist

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    Yeah, I love the ads for so called "braces" that are supposed to fix bad knees, bad backs, etc. They slip on & sizes are small, medium & large.:rolleyes:
     
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  9. Rave

    Rave G&G Evangelist

    Thanks Ten Man,I didn't notice the fence until you brought it up,duh on me. :usa2::rolleyes:
     
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  10. Ten Man

    Ten Man G&G Evangelist

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    They are not braces, they are elastic supports. Actual braces have to be measured for and prescribed per each individual.

    If you call the company selling the elastic supports, they can tell you the measurements each size will accommodate. :)
     
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  11. mitchr

    mitchr G&G Evangelist

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    The ads I refer to actually call them "braces". Regardless, if a brace or an elastic support, small, medium & large won't get the job done. If it is to work, must be tailor made for the individual. Copper Fit is even advertising their elastic supports to be EASIER to get on & off! To me, that can only mean looser, or less compression.
     
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  12. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.

    The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.


    The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.


    The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

    "Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.


    The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."

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    A man takes his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They come up to the first pen and there is a sign that says "This Bull mated 50 times last year."

    The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says "He mated 50 times last year."

    They walked a little further and see another pen with a sign that says "This Bull mated 120 times last year."

    The wife hits her husband and says "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him"

    They walk further and a third pen has a Bull with a sign saying "This Bull mated 365 times last year."

    The wife gets really excited and says "That's once a day." You could REALLY learn something from this one."

    The husband finally turns to his wife and says,
    "Go up and ask him if it was with the same ol' cow.

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    Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear.

    The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.

    The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

    "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

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    A guy was playing golf and an errant golf ball hit him in the balls and he passed out. His friends took him to the doctor.
    The man asked him, "Well, what do you think, doc?"

    The doctor replied," We're going to have to put in a support for about a week." He then takes four tongue depressors and ties them all together with string.

    The man's face looked disappointed, he told the doctor "But tonight's me and my wife's honeymoon."

    The doctor replied, "Your going to have to bear with it."

    Later that night, the man and his wife were in bed. She took off her shirt and grabs her breasts, "No one has ever seen these before."

    The man pulls out his wang and says, "Well mines still in the crate!"
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    A Real Smart Azz

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  13. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    Must be in Detroit. :D

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    The Knob

    A lady in her late 40's goes to a plastic surgeon for a facelift.

    The doctor tells her of a new procedure called 'The Knob'.

    A small knob is implanted on the back of a woman's head and it can be turned to tighten the skin, producing the effect of a brand new facelift forever.

    Naturally, the woman wants 'The Knob'.

    Fifteen years later, she goes back to the surgeon. "All these years, everything's been fine. I've turned 'The Knob' on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two problems.

    First of all, I've got awful bags under my eyes, and 'The Knob' won't get rid of them."

    The doctor looks at her and says, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

    "Oh," she says. "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."
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    A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.

    The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her.

    Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.'

    Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

    The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

    The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address.

    She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

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    Guy comes into the clubhouse and a fellow golfer asks him, "How did you shoot?"

    The guy replies, "The best two balls I hit all day were on the 8th hole when I stepped on a rake in the sand trap!"
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    On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

    "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

    He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

    At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
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  14. Ten Man

    Ten Man G&G Evangelist

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    And I get razzed for correcting folks spelling. LOL!!
     
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  15. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep.

    She stopped and called the sheep herder over. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.

    "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"

    "Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382".

    "Wow!" said the herder. "That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home."

    So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.

    Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".

    "What is it?" queried the woman.

    "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

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    There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua.

    The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

    The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

    The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."

    They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

    A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

    The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

    The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

    He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

    The guy at the door says, "Come on in."

    The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

    The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

    The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

    The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

    The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

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    A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

    For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

    The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

    The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
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    A fellow is looking for something in his wife's jewelry box. He finds an envelope containing 3 kernels of corn and $15. Curious, he calls to his wife, "Honey, what are these kernels of corn doing in this envelope in your jewelry box?."

    His wife replies, "Well, Dear, I haven't always been faithful to you. To remind me of the commitment I made when we said our marriage vows, I put a kernel of corn in that envelope every time I've been unfaithful."

    The husband finds his wife's efforts at staying faithful touching and says he forgives her. But what about the fifteen dollars?, he asks.

    "Well," she explains, "when corn gets to five dollars a bushel, I sell it!."
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  16. savage12755a

    savage12755a G&G Evangelist

    A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"

    As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again.

    As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!...But don't shove me either."
     
  17. Huey Rider

    Huey Rider G&G Evangelist Forum Contributor

    A man got hit by a car at the airport car rental area....said it Hertz.
     
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  18. Jaison

    Jaison G&G Evangelist Forum Contributor

    E2BB701C-6D7F-4880-B8AD-BD97B0A57446.jpeg
     
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  19. Huey Rider

    Huey Rider G&G Evangelist Forum Contributor

    The raccoon doth show signs of bewilderment :rolleyes::rolleyes:
     
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