Humor - The best medicine

Discussion in 'Political/Religious Topics' started by grizcty, Oct 31, 2016.

  1. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town. When the children returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively.

    "I sure did, teacher," one little girl replied. "I just prayed for more snow."

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    There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

    Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.

    The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

    "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

    "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

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    Bumper Stickers

    Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

    I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

    He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

    She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

    You have the right to remain silent....Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

    I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

    Honk if you love peace and quiet.

    Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

    A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

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    A squirrel is chillin in a tree when a cow climbs up and sits next to him.

    Whatcha doin here? asks the squirrel.

    I'm here to eat some apples.

    But this is a pine tree!

    I know. I brought my own apples.

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    Little Johnny comes home from his first day of school.

    His mother asks, "What did you learn in school today?"

    Little Johnny replies, "Not much. They want me back tomorrow."

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    @ncnascarlady should get a kick out of this. (No, this is not referring that she is the one complaining)



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  2. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    No More Shopping at Target

    My wife can be a little demanding at times. For example, she insists that I accompany her when she wants to do some shopping at Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I find shopping to be more than a little boring and I prefer to get in and get the stuff I want and go. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse and look at everything. Well, yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target store.

    Dear Mrs............,

    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

    1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the woman's restroom.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away". This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

    6. August 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

    7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

    8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" EMTs were called.

    9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

    11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

    12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

    13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled PICK ME! PICK ME!"

    14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
    And last, but not least:

    15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here". One of the clerks passed out.

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    A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors over for holiday dinner.

    The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, "This is matzoh ball soup."

    On seeing the two large matzoh balls floating in the broth, the Gentile man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew.

    Gently the Jewish couple pressed the Gentile man. "Try it; if you don't like it, you don't have to finish it."

    Finally he agreed. He dug his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in his spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual "Mmmmmmmmm" sound could be heard coming from deep within his chest, and he quickly finished the whole bowl.

    "That was good" the man said. "Can you eat any other parts of the matzoh?"

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    What does the starship enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

    They both circle around Uranus and wipe out Klingons.

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    Two men were hunting deer when a large bear rears up and begins to charge them.

    The one man puts his running shoes on and begins to run with the other man.

    The second man asks why he put them on because it wont help him out run the bear.

    He said "I don't need to out run the bear. I need to out run you."
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  3. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter and read from the menu “I’d like one under cooked egg so that it’s running, and one over cooked egg that it’s tough and hard to eat. I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it’s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.”
    "That’s a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult.”
    The guest replied sarcastically, “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday!”
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    Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

    "Hello?" she cried, but heard no answer.

    "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

    Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO!!! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

    Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away:

    "We're down here..."

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    An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

    "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

    "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

    "The guy was your doctor...."
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    A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

    The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

    The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

    The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

    "Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

    The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little.
    Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
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  4. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D


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    Sports and our culture

    1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

    2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING

    3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

    4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

    5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

    And...

    6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

    The fact is the higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

    There must be a bunch of people in Washington playing marbles.


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    A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.
    Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

    Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

    The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

    The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

    He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

    The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

    The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

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    These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

    Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us: Holland Sentinel

    Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut: The New York Times

    Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find: The Los Angeles Times

    'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories: Huntington Herald-Dispatch

    Alcohol ads promote drinking: The Hartford Courant

    Malls try to attract shoppers: The Baltimore Sun

    Official: Only rain will cure drought: The Herald-News, Westport, Massachusetts

    Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men: The Sunday Oregonian

    Low Wages Said Key to Poverty: News Day


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    Cajun Confession

    Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession.

    "Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site."

    Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son?"

    Boudreaux: "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time. I'm 'fraid someone will break their leg, so I fix the hole."

    Priest: "Well, that's not so bad."

    Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left."

    Priest: "What did you do with it?"
    Boudreaux: "Well, my poor dog, Phideaux, he ain't never had no place to get outta the weather, so I make him his own little doghouse."

    Priest: "OK, anything else?"

    Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. So you know, my truck, she ain't never had no place to get outta de weather either, so I make her a two car garage."

    Priest: "Now, this is getting a little out of hand."

    Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I still had a little lumber left."

    Priest: "Yes?"

    Boudreaux: "Well, my wife, she always want a bigger house. So I add two bedrooms and a new bathroom."

    Priest: "OK! That's definitely too much. For your penance, you are going to have to make a Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don't you?"

    Boudreaux: "No, Father... But, if you got the plans, I got the lumber."

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  5. mitchr

    mitchr G&G Evangelist

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    "Washington DC would be nothing but ashes!"
     
  6. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.

    He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day!

    The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.

    When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
    Golf: $1.00
    Dinner: $1.00
    Room: $1.00.
    Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00

    He asks the Manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"

    "I'm sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."

    "Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"

    "That's right, sir, you could have, said the manager. Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"

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    A couple pulled into the driveway after their first date. The guy leans over and gives the girl a long, slow kiss. While he's kissing her, he quietly unzips his pants, takes her hand, and puts it on his private part.

    When she realizes what it is, she screams, jumps out of the car, and yells back at him as she starts closing the car door, "I've got just two words for you, Drop Dead!!"

    "And I've got two words for you too," the guy shrieks, "LET GO!!!!"

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    There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.

    The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill.
    These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

    A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.

    He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"

    The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

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    In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

    At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

    "Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

    "Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

    "How's that?" the lawyer asked.

    "I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"

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  7. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."

    They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

    The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

    There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

    In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

    The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

    Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."

    They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

    Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

    "I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."

    "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

    As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

    Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"

    The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida . They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price . . ."
    Hat tip to old high school pal, Paul S., who may be shoveling snow by now.

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    A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary.
    The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?"
    He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house.
    The operator said there were no cars available at that time.
    He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. "I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!"
    Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!"
    The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"

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    The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

    "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

    As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway.
    He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!"
    The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
    "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."

    "Why?" asked the pilot.

    "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.

    After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
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    Toughest Time

    "I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.

    These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.

    I don't know how I pulled through it.... It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had."
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    Sadly this is becoming too true...

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  8. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    An old gentleman was strolling through the country one day when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. The gentleman struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information.

    "We are a religious family, Sir, and we've instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say 'Thanks God', to get him to stop you must say 'Our Father Who Art in Heaven,"

    Settling into the saddle, the gentleman said " Thanks God," and the animal took off. They rode for miles; suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, the gentleman couldn't remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, " Our Father Who Art in Heaven!

    The horse stopped instantly. Shaking and perspiring, the gentleman reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. "Thanks God," he said as he mopped his brow...

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    Cute kids...predicting the future

    Amy: Can people predict the future with cards?

    Joan: My mother can.

    Amy: Really?

    Joan: Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.

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    A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
    The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.

    The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"

    The owner says, "How about a cat?"

    The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

    The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"

    The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."

    He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."

    Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.

    He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."

    Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered.
    The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"

    Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."

    The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later...no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later...no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.

    The man says, "Hey!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"

    The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on my shoes!"
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    A woman surgeon was disturbed about the high cost of her car repair said so to the repair shop owner.

    "This is ridiculous!" she said, "charging me five hundred dollars to grind the valves and put in new piston rings."

    "Not really, just think about it. You are a surgeon and should know that an automobile engine is just as complicated as a human body. The mechanic who serviced your car is just as skilled as you are."

    "Is that so? Well, let me see him grind valves while the engine is running."

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    MSM reports:
    Scarface dies from the China virus.


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  9. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

    CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

    BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

    VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

    P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

    BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

    STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

    STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

    STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

    FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

    MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

    CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

    YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

    WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought
    Yahoo @ $240 per share.

    INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

    PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

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    Business one-liners

    There are two things on earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity.

    There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.

    There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.

    There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword.

    There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for.

    There is a right way, a wrong way, and my way to do everything.

    There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

    There is always one more bug.

    There is always one more idiot than you counted on.

    There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.

    There is nothing so habit-forming as money.

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    A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

    Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him.

    Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room."

    Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."

    Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

    Dr Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied,"Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ***."
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    Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
    The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

    As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

    The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

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  10. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.

    “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.

    “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.

    “You did WHAT?! ?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

    “You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

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    A college student wrote a letter home:

    Dear folks,

    I feel miserable cause I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

    Your son, Marvin

    P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up at the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed to God that I could get it back, but I was too late.

    A few days later, he received a letter from his father:

    Dear Son,

    Good news! Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!

    ########

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    ########


    If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?

    Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

    If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

    When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts,' and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

    Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

    When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

    Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

    If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

    If you take an Oriental person and spin them around several times, do they become disoriented?

    If people from Poland are called 'Poles,' why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes?'

    ########

    A traveling salesman goes to a farm house.

    The farmer says, "I could put you up for one night, but you'll have to stay in the barn."
    So he spends the night there.
    The next morning the farmer comes in and asks, "Were you comfortable?"
    The salesman says, "I had a great time; I talked to all the animals." The farmer says, "You talked to the animals?"
    The salesman says, "Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six."
    The farmer says, "That's exactly right."
    The salesman says, "The horse tells me his name is Otis and you've owned him for 10 years.
    The says, "That's incredible!"
    The salesman goes on, "I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30. And then I spoke to the sheep."
    And the farmer immediately interrupts, "Those sheep are lying!"
    ########

    Billy, must not of been a union member...


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    goat roper, Merle, Ten Man and 3 others like this.
  11. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

    [​IMG]

    ########

    The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country. Count down to #1...

    #15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

    # 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

    #13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

    #12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
    speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

    #11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
    write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

    #10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
    it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

    #9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

    #8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

    #7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo. "

    #6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

    #5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

    #4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

    #3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

    #2 "I'm glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

    The envelope please.....................

    AND THE WINNER IS ...


    #1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

    ########

    There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.

    They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!" He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.

    The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"

    The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."

    ########

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    ########


    One snowy winter night a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

    The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

    The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

    Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

    Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.

    The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

    When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

    He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
    ########

    They gotta keep those China virus numbers spiked high.

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  12. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

    [​IMG]

    ########

    All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture", and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.


    Here are some real examples that have been heard or
    reported:

    1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
    crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
    cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort, and to enhance the appearance of your flight
    attendants."

    2. On landing the stewardess said, "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out off this airplane."

    3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
    National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

    4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
    Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

    5. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
    descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
    secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

    ########

    A six year old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

    "Don't be angry," the mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

    A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate.

    This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

    "Now she knows."

    ########

    [​IMG]
    ########


    There is this guy named Leon.

    One day Leon decided to go for walk.

    He runs into his old neighbor Joe.

    "Hey Leon you's looking good" Joe says.

    "I feels good" said Leon

    "But Leon you smells bad" said Joe

    Well Leon kept on going, he then ran into his preacher.

    "Hey Leon you's looking good" said The preacher.

    "I feels good" said Leon.

    "But Leon you smells bad" said the preacher.

    "That is what Joe said earlier, I think I will go to the doctors".

    Well, Leon goes to the doctors.

    "You looks good Leon" said the doc.

    "I feels good" said Leon.

    "But you smells bad Leon" said the doc.

    "That's why I am here" said Leon.

    The doc got his book, "Looks good, feels good, smells good, nope that's not it"

    "Looks good, feels bad, smells good, nope thats not it either"

    "Here it is: looks good, feels good, smells bad"

    "Well Leon, I hate to break it to you, but you are a vagina."

    ########

    Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."

    The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

    Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At around 6:30 am I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 6:00 am.
    ########

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  13. mitchr

    mitchr G&G Evangelist

    8,139
    18,230
    The one about flight attendants reminded me of this one.:p


     
  14. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

    [​IMG]

    ########

    The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc..) but nobody could do it.

    One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

    After the laughter had died down, the bartender said "okay," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

    He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

    As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"

    The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

    ########

    Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls."

    The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."

    ########


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    ########


    A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.

    Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

    "He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

    "Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

    "Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

    "Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

    ########


    This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died.

    At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes".

    The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no".

    Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why.

    The farmer replied,"Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked, 'That mule for sale?'
    ########

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