Humor - The best medicine

Discussion in 'Political/Religious Topics' started by grizcty, Oct 31, 2016.

  1. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.

    Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.

    The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"

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    A lady goes into the local sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod to give to her husband for his birthday.

    A salesman wearing dark glasses with a dog is behind the counter and asks, "Can I help you ma'am ?"

    "Well, I'd like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about this one?" she answers.

    The salesman replies, "I'm sorry ma'am but I am blind and can not see the rod you're referring to. However, if you'll drop it on the counter I'll tell you all about it as I can tell from the sound it makes."

    The lady picks up the rod, and does what he says and drops it on the counter.

    He belts "That's a Zebco 2500, fiberglass, 6.5', medium action - $15."

    Lady - "Wow !" She finds another and does the same.

    "Thats an Orion 35C, graphite, 6', light action - best used with ultralight tackle - $20."

    Very impressed the lady decides to buy the second one.

    As the man is ringing up the sale, the lady makes a rather large noise as she passes gas but feels no need to apologize as the salesman is blind and has no idea who she is.

    Salesman says, "That'll be $25."

    "TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS !? YOU SAID $20?"

    "That's right ma'am, $20 for the rod, $3 for the duck call, and $2 for the fish bait."

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    BETR IN MSKcc.jpg

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    A man visited a fortuneteller and sat down in front of her crystal ball.

    "I see you are the father of two children," she said.

    "That's what you think," the man replied. "I'm the father of three children."

    The fortuneteller smiled and said, "That's what you think."

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    A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a drink out of one... sets it down. Takes a drink out of the second... sets it down. Takes a drink out of the third one... sets it down and repeats this process until all three beers are gone. The man then leaves.

    On the same day the following week he is back and does the same thing with the three beers.

    This goes on for a month or two. The bartender is getting curious. The next time the man comes in, the bartender says, "I don't mean to be nosy, but why do you drink from three beers at one time?"

    The man says, "When my two brothers and I lived close, we would go to the bar every week and have a beer together. Now we are all married and have moved far away. We all agreed that wherever we are, every week, we will each go to a local bar and have three beers to remember old times."

    The bartender nods and goes on. The man finishes his three beers and leaves. A month later the man comes in and orders only two beers. He takes a drink from one... sets it down. Takes a drink from the second beer... sets it down, and repeats this process until the two beers are gone. This goes on for about a month and the bartender gets curious.

    The next time the man is in the bar, the bartender inquires, "I don't mean to be nosy, but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away or something?"

    The man says, "Oh, no, nothing like that. It's just that my wife said that I couldn't go to the bar and drink anymore... but she didn't say anything about my brothers."
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  2. savage12755a

    savage12755a G&G Evangelist

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    And 99% of them shouldn't.
     
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  3. Huey Rider

    Huey Rider G&G Evangelist Forum Contributor

    Helium beer taste test:


     
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  4. Jaison

    Jaison G&G Evangelist Forum Contributor

    Hard not to laugh along with them.
     
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  5. Ten Man

    Ten Man G&G Evangelist

    I'm in tears, I'm laughing so hard! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  6. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    A pilot landed a plane with a rather bumpy landing. As part of his job he was required to stand by the terminal door and say goodbye to the passengers as they exited the airplane. He was afraid that someone might say something about his rather less than perfect landing, but everyone left without saying a word except for one passenger, an elderly lady, she slowly approached the pilot after most passengers had exited the plane and asked, "Did we land? Or were we shot down?"

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    A Blonde goes over to her friend's house Wearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt.

    'Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?'

    Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't Realize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front'

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    Then and Now concerns for people of the baby boom generation.

    Then: Long hair.
    Now: Longing for hair.

    Then: Keg
    Now: EKG.

    Then: Acid rock
    Now: Acid reflux.

    Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
    Now: Moving to California because it's hot.

    Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
    Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.

    Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
    Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

    Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
    Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

    Then: The Grateful Dead.
    Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

    Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
    Now: Getting a new hip joint.

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    When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.

    When I was 16, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

    In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

    When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that, I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

    At 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as she made me happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

    When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

    Now I am 42, and all I want is a girl with big tits.

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  7. Ten Man

    Ten Man G&G Evangelist

    Griz, you been reading my diary??? LOL!!!

    Now, 30 years later, I want to do it all again!
     
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  8. runfiverun

    runfiverun G&G Evangelist

    where does one get the helium beer?
     
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  9. PaleHawkDown

    PaleHawkDown G&G Evangelist

    18,818
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    To translate my favorite parts:

    "...we need to review it"
    "I don't give a **** how it tastes <yahahahahaha>"

    "It's a little doughy..."
    "Douhgy! Haha. Say it again."
    "Doughy. Doughy. Doughy"
    <Both giggle uncontrollably>
     
  10. PaleHawkDown

    PaleHawkDown G&G Evangelist

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    Aww, I just found out that the beer video was a fake. This was the short version, and the full-length version was released on April Fool's Day.
     
  11. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    God created the donkey and said to him, “You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be a donkey."

    The donkey answered, “I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years. God granted his wish.

    God created the dog and said to him, "You will be a dog.” You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 25 years. You will be a dog."

    The dog answered, “Master, to live 25 years is too much, you give me only 10 years." God granted his wish.

    God created the Monkey and said to him, “You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will be a monkey."

    The monkey answered, “Master to live 20 years is too much, you give me only 10 years." God granted his wish.

    Finally God created the man and said to him, “You will be a man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth. You will use your intelligence to become master over all animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years."

    Man responded, "I will be a man, but to live only 20 years is very little, give the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused."

    God granted his wish. And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, he marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are gone, he lives 15 years like a dog, taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house, from one son or daughter to another, doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

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    Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, an Exxon station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

    The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.

    Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait, and walked back to her car.

    She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

    Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

    As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

    ########

    He who laughs last thinks slowest.

    Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

    Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

    Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

    Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

    Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

    Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

    ########

    Q: What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

    A: A genealogist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up your bush.

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  12. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

    Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

    Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

    "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

    Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

    With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.

    "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

    The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

    Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

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    The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

    "Why?"

    "Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

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    I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

    * she called me to get my phone number.

    * she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

    * she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

    *she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

    *she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

    *she tried to drown a fish.

    *she thought a quarterback was a refund.

    *she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

    *she tripped over a cordless phone.

    *she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

    *she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

    *she studied for a blood test.

    *she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

    *when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

    *when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

    *when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

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    While a man was dying, his wife was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.

    Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.

    "My darling," he whispered.

    "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

    He was insistent. "I have something that I must confess," he said in a tired voice.

    "There isn't anything to confess," replied his weeping wife. "Everything's ok. Go to sleep."

    The man blurted out: "No, no, I must die in peace. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

    "I know," whispered his wife, "that's why I poisoned you."

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  13. Jaison

    Jaison G&G Evangelist Forum Contributor

    That Hills joke will take serious therapy to get over. LOL

    Gotta love a good shaggy dog story.
     
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  14. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    Must be supporters pushing Biden's bus. :D


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    A girl came skipping home from school one day.

    "Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"

    "Very good," said her mother.

    "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.

    "Yes, It's because your blonde."

    The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

    "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"

    "Very good," said her mother.

    "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

    "Yes, It's because your blonde."

    The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

    "Mommy Mommy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

    She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

    "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

    "Is it because I'm Blonde, Mommy?"

    "No Honey, It's because you're 24."

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    While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, a man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders.

    "What's in the bags?", asked the guard.

    "Sand," said the cyclist.

    "Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.

    The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.

    Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again, the guard demanded to see the two bags, which, again, contained nothing but sand.

    This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.

    A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown.

    "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"

    "Bicycles!" was the reply.
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    A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery.

    As she lays there, a man in white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves.

    This happens a second time.

    The third time this happens, she says "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?"

    The man replied, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just a painter!"
    ########

    And Moses looked upon the Lord and said:

    "We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"
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  15. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D


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    A man had been crossing a street when a car slammed into him.

    The pedestrian sued the motorist, whose lawyer made the following statement at the end of the trial.

    “Your honor, my client was not at fault. He has been driving a car for thirty years, and has never had an accident, nor gotten so much as a speeding ticket. I do not think I need to say any more.”

    Unimpressed, the lawyer for the plaintiff rose. “Your honor, since counsel insists on bringing up the matter of experience, may I remind the court that my client has been walking for over seventy years…”

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    Two old timers, Arthur and Doris, have been going out for about five years. Arthur and Doris are a shy couple and find it hard to hold hands.

    One day Doris says to Arthur, "Arthur, we've been going out for a while now, don't you think we can get a bit more intimate? All we do is hold each other's hand."

    Arthur then stops to think. "Ah... O.K. Doris, you're right, we need to get more intimate. Here's what we can do. From now on when we're together you can hold my penis."

    Doris is excited because now she can take their relationship to the next level. So from then on Doris would be holding Arthur's penis in her hand wherever they would be. This went on for another five years. One day Doris saw Arthur with another woman sitting on a park bench, her hand was holding Arthur's penis. Doris was distraught.

    She went to Arthur and cried, "What has she got that I haven't got?"

    Arthur replied,"Parkinson's Disease".

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    A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.
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    It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly," she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

    The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

    "He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

    "The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"
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  16. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    ########

    “Doctor, you told me I have a month to live and then you sent me a bill for $1,000! I can’t pay that before the end of the month!”

    “Okay, you have six months to live.”

    ########

    Business one-liners

    People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.

    People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.

    People who think they know everything upset those of us who do.

    People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

    People will believe anything if you whisper it.

    People will buy anything that is one-to-a-customer.

    People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

    Perfection is achieved only on the point of collapse.

    Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.

    Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

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    At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousin shot him.

    "Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, ya wanna go hunting?'"

    "And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

    "From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"

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    Due to the rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

    Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

    On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: God Is Good--Dr. Hargreaves is better.

    This Sunday morning following services we will have our monthly feelowship.

    Said during a congregational prayer when leading prayer for unsaved loved ones: “Father, we just want to pray for our unloved saved ones.”

    Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are suffering during our prayer time.

    “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though he diets, yet shall be live.”

    On a church postcard: “I have received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I would like a personal call.”

    Church sign: “Jesus Saves!” Safeway sign across the street: “Safeway saves you more!”

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  17. Huey Rider

    Huey Rider G&G Evangelist Forum Contributor

  18. grizcty

    grizcty God, Guns, Glory Forum Contributor

    :D

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    Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch.

    A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he new the other two.

    “Oh yes” he said. “They ‘re my friends.”

    “In that case,” warned the officer, “you’d better get them out of here!”

    “Yes, sir” the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.

    ########

    Dallas Cowboys

    The Texas Department of Safety is cracking down on speeders heading into Dallas. For the first offense, they give you 2 Dallas Cowboy tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

    Q.What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
    A..The Dallas Cowboys

    Q.What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?
    A.They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

    Q.How do you keep a Dallas Cowboy out of your yard?
    A.Put up a goal post.

    Q.What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Super Bowl ring?
    A.Old

    Q.What's the difference between the Dallas Cowboys and a dollar bill?
    A.You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

    Q.How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to win a Super Bowl?
    A.Nobody remembers.

    Q.What do the Cowboys and possums have in common?
    A.Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

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    Wandering dejectedly in The Garden of Eden, Eve told God, "I'm lonely I'm tired of eating apples by myself."

    "Okay," God said, "I'll create a man for you."

    Eve said, "A man! What's that?"

    "He's a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego. He won't listen very well, he'll get lost easily, but never stop to ask for directions. However, he is big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals. And he'll be fun in bed."

    "Sounds great!" said Eve.

    "Oh, and one more thing," God said. "He will want to believe that I made HIM first."

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    A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."

    She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

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    At a party, a guy approached a girl and whispered something in her ear.

    "You filthy pervert!!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let you do a thing like that to me?"

    Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the son-of-a-bitch that stole my diary!"

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  19. mitchr

    mitchr G&G Evangelist

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    Okay! You're talkin' 'bout my boys now! :p 'Course, since aikman spouted his liberal BS on Fox, I ain't got no network to watch 'em on, except the NFL network & I think they only play one game on it!:(
     
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  20. PaleHawkDown

    PaleHawkDown G&G Evangelist

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