I'm Offended By It All! by Eric J. Egolf -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Every year, the Native American community gets their feathers in a bunch about a collection of sports teams in this country that they find offensive. The Washington Redskins, Kansas City Chiefs, Florida State Seminoles, Cleveland Indians, Atlanta Braves (especially w/ their "Tomahawk Chop"), and others are among the offensive. They claim that by naming these teams after Indians, they are promoting stereotypes about the Indian community. The National Football League Chicago Bears - In the gay community, large, hairy men are affectionately called "Bears." I'm not gay, and I won't stand for this blatent symbol of homosexuality in a sport with tight ends and wide receivers. Buffalo Bills - Offensive on three counts: 1) the American unit of currency, the dollar, is commonly referred to as a "dollar bill;" thus, this name promotes the American capitalist system that promotes the class structure; 2) It reminds Republicans of Bill Clinton; and 3) Bill, or William, is a very common name, and is offensive to people who don't have common names, like Dweezil Zappa. Cleveland Browns - RACIST! RACIST! RACIST! Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Piracy is evil, people! Many men died at the hands of buccaneers like Black Bart, Blackbeard, and the rest of their kind. Do we want this kind of behavior to rise again as our children celebrate the "Buccaneer" lifestyle? Hell, no! Arizona Cardinals - a Cardinal is a rank in the Catholic church. I am not a Catholic, and will not stand idly by while our kids are brainwashed by Catholic imagery. San Diego Chargers - doubly offensive: 1) the military imagery of the word "Charge!" and 2) the reliance of our society on electrical power. Kansas City Chiefs - Been there, done that. Dallas Cowboys - Cowboys of the Wild West are responsible for a lot of the brutality towards the Native Americans in the years of our nation's expansion. The Native American community may be able to look the other way, but I won't. Miami Dolphins - Offensive to animal rights groups because it reminds them of the dolphins killed daily by the fishing industry. Philadelphia Eagles - The eagle is an American symbol of the so-called "freedom" American "citizens" get to "enjoy." But every time I see the eagle, I see repression of minority cultures, tyranny over smaller countries, and that egotistical "We're better than you" attitude that us Americans have for everybody else. Bleaugh. New York Giants - What, you're saying it's preferable to be tall? What about all of the "vertically challenged" people out there? And some tall people think the term "giant" is offensive, too. So there, tough guy. Jacksonville Jaguars - The Jaguar is a luxury automobile. It is a symbol of the rich. The rich repress the poor, which is why rich people are the only ones who can afford good seats to football games, while the poor have to watch it on network TV. New York Jets - Jets equals Air Force, equals the supression of smaller countries by our government for the crime of having different thoughts than we do. Green Bay Packers - More homosexual imagery! Grr... Why not "Green Bay Heterosexual Intimate Relations?" I like that much better. Carolina Panthers - When you say the word "Panther," most people think of the Pink Panther, who is as homosexual as... well, as the Green Bay Packers and Chicago Bears. It doesn't matter that they're actually animals, if "panther" makes people think "gay," it's deviant. Call Reverend Falwell! New England Patriots - Hello? The Militia Movement! Armies of former soldiers intent on declaring themselves autonomous collectives, free from the shackles of American government! These are REBELS, people. "New England Murderers for the Eventual Downfall of Society" is more reflective. Stop glorifying this! Oakland Raiders - More pirate stuff! Make it stop! St. Louis Rams - The blatent sexual imagery of the word "ram" is corrupting our youth today. I request a name change to a similar animal: The St. Louis Billy Goats. Baltimore Ravens - The raven is a black bird, which conjures images of paganism and witchcraft that go against the belief structure of many Americans. New Orleans Saints - More Catholic imagery. And the fleur-de-lis is a French symbol, and we all KNOW how offensive the French are. Pittsburgh Steelers - symbolic of the Industrial Revolution, where the rape of Mother Earth first began. Tennessee Titans - More exploitation of the tall and repression of the short. And Greek mythology is full of stuff like murder, evil scheming, and lots and lots of sex and violence. Washington Redskins - It's been done already. Minnesota Vikings - The Vikings were known for their cruelty and savagery on the high seas of the Great North. And if not, well, that's what everybody thinks about them. I don't want my future children rooting for a team that celebrates the plundering of the ocean. San Fransisco 49ers - The Gold Rush of 1849 promulgated the American westward expansion, displacing entire cultures of Mexicans and Indians. But it's okay, because Whitey won those fights. Gimme a break. I'm not going to stand for this anymore. Major League Baseball Anaheim Angels - SOME OF US AREN'T CHRISTIAN, AND DON'T WANT TO BE BOMBARDED WITH CHRISTIAN IMAGERY WHEN WE WATCH THE GREAT AMERICAN PASTTIME! Sheesh! Houston Astros - As the Space Race proved, the heavens belong to America. Ppppth. Oakland Athletics - As if the deification of our sports stars merely because they can whack a ball with a stick wasn't enough, we have this. Fat kids of the world hang their heads in shame when they hear this name. Well, maybe they don't, but they should. It screams, "You don't belong with us." Atlanta Braves - Hey, didn't we cover this in the introduction? Milwaukee Brewers - Oh, this is too much. Kids watch baseball. Kids see Brewers. Kids are overcome with urge to drink beer. Change the name. Do it for the children. St. Louis Cardinals - Catholicism invades baseball, too. Tampa Bay Devil Rays - It's got the word "devil" in it. Bad! Bad! Bad! Arizona Diamondbacks - Most Americans are afraid of snakes. This name taunts them. Los Angeles Dodgers - Draft dodgers, perhaps? Teaching our kids to openly defy the government in time of war? Grrrr... Montreal Expos - Expo = exposition = wasting the taxpayer's money for glorification of the city and the elected officials who happened to be in office at the time. San Fransisco Giants - More of the same... Cleveland Indians - Yawn. Seattle Mariners - Hard workers making a living, or conquistadores of the high seas? The fish don't like baseball. Maybe team names like this are why. New York Mets - Mets means "metropolitans," which of course is a symbol of big cities keeping humanity away from nature, expect when it's time to KILL MORE TREES! San Diego Padres - A hidden Catholic reference - "padre" is Spanish for "Father." Phildelphia Phillies - "Fillies" is a derogatory term often hurled at women. The creative "Ph" spelling isn't going to hide that. Pittsburgh Pirates - More glorification of the pirate lifestyle. Cincinnati Reds - Communism is alive and well in Cincinnati, with a team called the Reds. Marge Schott is the owner, too, and we all KNOW about her. Texas Rangers - More celebration of oppressive authority. Kansas City Royals - This team name promotes rebellion and the institution of a monarchy in our great land. Minnesota Twins - So because someone's a twin, that makes them.... weird? Different? You know, the Nazis used twins in medical experiments, so maybe it's not such a good idea to go around yelling about this stuff. Change it to something more Minnesotan, like the Frozen Lakes or something. Chicago White Sox - Why's it gotta be white? New York Yankees - Offensive to Southerners, many of whom have ancestors who died at the hands of the Union in the War of Northern Aggression.