Lawyer Riddles What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? Your honor. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator. What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline! In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot? Use all three bullets on the lawyer. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start! How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving. What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog. What's the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road? The vultures will eat the skunk. What do you do if you run over a lawyer? Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel. How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? Depends on how thin you slice them. Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy. What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand. When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep? Because down deep, they are all nice guys! How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope. Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water. What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of poop? The bucket. What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. What is the definition of a "crying shame"? There was an empty seat. How do you kill 4000 lawyers? You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink. What's the strongest argument against both theories of origin? Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species? If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough. Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? A lobotomy. What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish. How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore. What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies. What's the difference between baseball and law? In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met. Why didn't the doctor (any other profession) pay the rent on his outhouse? He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish? One's slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water. What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common? Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? From chasing parked ambulances. Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetery. What do lawyers use as contraceptives? Their personalities. What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more. What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon? He was disbarred. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night. If a vampire bites a lawyer, isn't that cannabalism? What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance. What's the difference between yogurt and the American Bar Association? Yogurt has culture. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle. Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps? New Jersey got to pick first. Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi. Did you hear that the post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People couldn't decide which side to spit on. Did you hear about the two Indian lawyers who formed a partnership, Cachem and Sioux? Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership." What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? About three pounds, including the urn.