Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, so stay on the line and someone will trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press, but it doesn’t matter what you press because no one will answer you. If you are dyslexic, pres 6 9 6 9 6 9 6 9 If you have a nervous disorder, please fiddle with the hash key and wait for the beep after the beep please wait for the beep. If you have short term memory lose, please try your call again later. If you have low self-esteem, hang up now because no one wants to talk to you. Thank you for calling the mental health hotline and have a nice day!