Prison life: It's 'not' a good thing

Discussion in 'The Powder Keg' started by Doglips, Jun 16, 2002.

  1. Doglips

    Doglips Guest

    Prison life: It's 'not' a good thing

    By Pam Harbaugh

    Allegations are swarming around Martha Stewart about possible insider stock trading. If proven true, that could mean jail time for the queen of clean.

    According to wire reports, Stewart is a friend of Samuel Waksal, former head of pharmaceutical company ImClone Systems. He was charged Wednesday with insider trading. Stewart sold 3,928 shares of ImClone the day before the company's experimental cancer drug was rejected by the Food and Drug Administration.

    The New York Post reported Friday the New York Stock Exchange planned to investigate the style guru's stock transaction.

    She claims coincidence. But, if proven otherwise, what's a girl to do?

    Plenty, if the girl is Martha Stewart. One can only imagine how she could turn a prison into a gilded cage.

    Here are the top 10 ways Stewart could add some feng shui to Sing Sing.

    10. Remember Tromp L'Oeuil: Try to carve some extra time into your day for painting tiny little vines on your prison bars. To make an excellent brush, attach a few rat hairs to any "shiv" you find lying around. Be sure to bind them tightly with dental floss. Add water, a drop at a time, to flecks from the wall to create the right viscosity for paint.

    9. Prison tattoos: Choose one that says you, like T-U-F-F D-I-V-A etched across your knuckles.

    8. Think sculpture: Turn those telltale shards broken from the walls during your painstaking prison break attempt into fun little statuary.

    7. Cozy bedtime: Fashion a duvet with old paper napkins from the dining hall.

    6. Proper welcomes: Nothing says "lock-down" better than a festive floral spray on the bar doors. Take a leisurely stroll through the exercise yard and secret stones, twigs, plastic utensils and the sweet air of freedom into a hidden pocket snugly sewn into the seam of your prison-orange jumpsuit.

    5. Look your best: Nothing says "clean" better than crisp collars. Holding your prison garb tightly with both hands, turn the collar down so the edge matches perfectly with the seam. Run the fold briskly across the prison doors. This will form a sharp, elegant crease.

    4. Haute cuisine: Ask for a little sauce to be spread into the bottom of the biggest compartment in your divided dish before adding the main course. Delicious sauce is always on bottom these days.

    3. Cracked pepper: Insist on it. Also, freshly ground sea salt. Be sure to duck when the cooks lob a glop of mystery meat your way.

    2. Bouquet: Get rid of your cell's musty smell by rubbing deodorant onto the walls.

    1. Hot days: Cool down with frosty tin cups of cool tap water. Stir in a drop of toothpaste -- it's so versatile -- for a fresh hint of mint. Celebrate the day by chatting with the girls. It's a good thing.
  2. Chris

    Chris G&G Evangelist Staff Member Forum Contributor

    Oh man! Someone give me a cell next to her!


    NRAJOE YOU TALKIN' TO ME!? Forum Contributor

    Man that would be one foo foo frilly jailcell for her and her new friend "butch".