Redneck Jedi A peaceful meditation session is one without gas. A Wookie has ever told you that you need to shave. At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored. More than half the droids you own don't function. Sandpeople back down from your mama. The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it. The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q. The Rancor monster refused to eat you. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder. Wookies are offended by your B.O. You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word chicken. You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks. You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force. You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket. You don't think Jabba's pig guards have a hygiene problem. You don't think the Ewoks are primitive. You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit. You have a stuffed womp rat anywhere in your home. You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder. You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light. You have ever used a lightsaber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. You have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Jack Daniel's. You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette with your lightsaber. You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow. You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets. You think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth. You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag. You used a carbon-freezing chamber to mount the Wampa you shot while on vacation on Hoth. You wonder why Luke and Leia gave up on getting married. Your father has ever said to you, shoot, son come on over t' the dark side, it'll be a hoot. Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color. Your master ever said, my finger you will pull, hmmm? Your moonshine is made on a real moon. You've ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid. You've ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent. You've ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DWI.