Some Humorous Quotes

Discussion in 'The Powder Keg' started by Doglips, Jun 1, 2002.

  1. Doglips

    Doglips Guest

    Some Humorous Quotes

    Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
    Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
    No guts, no glory, no brain, same story.
    If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
    If you don't die from it -- it is healthy.
    If everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is going on.
    One good turn gets most of the blankets.
    There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
    Life is sexually transmitted.
    Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
    An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
    If at first you don't succeed -- give up. No use being a **** fool.
    No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong.
    You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
    Only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles.
    Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
    Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
    Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
    A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
    It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
    Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
    The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
    It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
    The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
    Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
    Law of Probability Dispersal : Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
    Nothing is as easy as it looks.
    Everything takes longer than you think.
    Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
    If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
    If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.
    If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
    If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
    Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
    If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
    Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
    Mother nature is a *****.
    It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
    Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
    Every solution breeds new problems.
    Trust everybody ... then cut the cards.
    Two wrongs are only the beginning.
    If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
    To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
    Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.
    Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
    Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
    I.R.S. : We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
    "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
    Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
    I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
    The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
    C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
    We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
    Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
    Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
    The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
    Did anyone see my lost carrier?
    Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
    I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
    He who laughs last thinks slowest!
    Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
    Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
    "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
    A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
    Lottery : A tax on people who are bad at math.
    Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
    There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
    Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
    I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
    Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
    Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
    I won't rise to the occaasion, but I'll slide over to it.
    Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
    Double your drive space - delete Windows!
    What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
    Consciousness : that annoying time between naps.
    Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
    I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
    Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
    I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
    Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
    When there's a will, I want to be in it.
    Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
    We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
    All generalizations are false, including this one.
    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
    "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
    To err is HUMAN; To really foul things up requires a COMPUTER!
    Computers are fast and efficient because they don't have to stop to answer telephone calls or door!
    A COMPUTER DESIGN with a 9-bit character, 12-bit instruction and 31-bit word would be a catastrophe ...