The Top Ten Worst Things Elementary School Teachers Can Say to Their StudentsBy Charlie Luzon10. Of course there's a Santa Claus--you've just never seen him because you've been bad, bad children. 9. No one likes a tattletale--especially vengeful God, who punishes ones named Kenny by sending them to Hell where they hang from their ears over scalding hot cauldrons of boiling feces. 8. If you don't listen to me right now you're going get pregnant by age 14, drop out of high school, and work at Subway for the rest of your life--just like Jacob's mom. 7. I'm not allowed to teach you about sex so I'll just say this: Don't do it, but if you're going to do it, don't get liquored up and grab the first broad in sight. Build a relationship based on trust, mutual respect, and honesty. Then get liquored up. 6. No, sorry Jose, you'll never be President. No Juanita, you won't either. Shaquita, change your name, gender, and skin tone and you've got a shot. Next question? 5. Kevin has nicer shoes than you Sean because his parents love him more. 4. No Danny, you can't go to the bathroom. Not now, not ever. Not just in my class, but any time for the rest of your small bladdered, whiney life. Just hold it. Forever. 3. I'm not allowed to teach you about drugs, but I'll just say this: Don't do them. And by "drugs" you understand I'm not talking about alcohol, cigarettes, or marijuana, because those are ok now and then. 2. Welfare is for lazy, uneducated people who don't want to work unless it entails lying on their backs. Like Timmy's mom. 1. Whatever I teach you you're just going to forget in a year or two and have to learn it again, so just sit quietly at your desks and draw. For the rest of the year.