Wednesday Night July 10 Leno A Seattle company has given NASA $600,000 to research the possibility of building an elevator to space. An elevator to space? How many John Tesh albums do you have to listen to while on that thing? This is nude recreation week. The nude community is urging everyone to get out and enjoy activities in the nude. My question is, how does bowling work? Do you still wear the shoes? I bet that looks really stupid. One of the last remaining survivors of the Titanic died today at age 98. The bad thing was that they were so close to pulling her out of the water. Britney Spears is now offering a new wireless service from her Web site. For $19.95 per month she calls you up and gives you updates on everything that is going on â€“ well, actually, it's a recording of her voice, so it's just like one of her concerts. Conan The Major League Baseball All-Star Game was last night. The commissioner of baseball called the game in the 11th inning after the teams ran out of pitchers. Later on, the other players said the game ended not because of pitchers but because they ran out of steroids. After 25 years, Eddie Van Halen and wife Valerie Bertinelli are getting a divorce. Eddie is going to replace her with Sammy Hagar. Kilborn It's being reported that Madonna might be in the next James Bond movie. Her name is going to be "Octo Itchy." Mick Jagger made an appearance as a cartoon character on a recent episode of "The Simpsons." The strange thing is that both Lisa and Marge are pregnant. Tuesday Night July 9 Leno It was hot today! What, it was like 103 or 104 out. It was so hot I was sweating like an America West pilot taking a blood-alcohol test! It was so hot that R. Kelly was asking his date what they would do for a Klondike Bar! It was so hot that people were claiming to be related to Ted Williams so they could have their heads frozen! Have you heard about that? Boy, that's creepy! The son of Ted Williams wants to freeze Ted's body to save his DNA. But the daughter says that is against Ted's wishes. The son wants to freeze him, the daughter wants to cremate him, and Anna Nicole Smith wants to marry him. Here's my question â€“ doesn't the kid have the same DNA? Why isn't he playing baseball? Last week two America West Airlines pilots were arrested for being drunk on the job. There is good news, though â€“ they can both get jobs at Amtrak now. President Bush gave a speech today on Wall Street, speaking out against corporate greed. He called for stricter laws on white-collar crime. Now instead of a slap on the wrist, the judge slaps both wrists. Between Enron, Global Crossing and WorldCom and everything else, you know who the most honest companies in America are now? Tobacco and oil companies! Letterman It was hot today! It was so hot here in New York City that the crazy guy with no clothes on in the subway said, "Crazy? Who says I'm crazy now!" It's hot out, but it's nice and cool in the Ed Sullivan Theater. It's so cold in here it feels like three Hall of Fame baseball players. Ted Williams' son has shipped Ted's body off to be frozen to keep the DNA. This is a big controversy â€“ just today Mike Piazza held a press conference to tell everyone he is not frozen. Two pilots for America West Airlines have been arrested for being drunk. Don't you miss the old days when the only drunk people working at the airport were the security screeners? Al-Qaeda and Hamas are going to merge. The only person that knew about this merger beforehand was Martha Stewart. President Bush was on Wall Street today speaking out against accounting fraud of big corporations. This was good, but then I thought, wait a minute, accounting fraud â€“ isn't that how he got elected? Conan There's a lot of corporate scandals going on lately and today President Bush gave a speech on Wall Street. Bush warned corporations not to "cook the books." Then Martha Stewart said, "The correct way is to sautÃ© them." David Hasslehoff has checked himself into the Betty Ford Clinic for a problem with alcohol. Hasslehoff decided he had a problem when he said he thought his car kept talking to him. Kilborn Doctors are stunned over a 90-year-old man who survived over 1,000 bee stings. The elderly man's will to live is so great that Anna Nicole Smith refuses to marry him. Monday Night July 8 Leno I was almost late getting here. I was over at the Michael Jackson "Down With Whitey" protest! Over the weekend Michael Jackson held a protest because he says the record industry is racist, the industry isn't fair to blacks. Doesn't he own the Beatles now? He owns the Beatles! Michael was so mad that he had his plastic surgeon put an angry look on his face. Have you seen Michael lately? He looks like a mime that got put in the microwave. Did you have a good holiday weekend? I flew. It was bad. There were two loud, boisterous drunks on the plane â€“ they were coming from the America West cockpit! By now youâ€™ve heard about that. Two America West pilots were arrested for being drunk! Everyone was shocked â€“ airport screeners stopped someone! The pilots were five times the legal limit! Five times! My question is why is there a legal limit for pilots? Shouldn't it be zero? Are they like Catholic priests? Here, you get a freebie. The scary thing is that these are the same guys that want guns in the cockpit. That's a good combination â€“ drunks with guns flying planes. See, this is why we need locks on the cockpit doors â€“ to keep the pilots from getting to the beverage cart! Have you heard the lawyer for the two pilots? He says it's not their fault they were drunk â€“ they are afraid of heights. So you see, it's not their fault. For the first time in five years, street crime is up. Just on one street, though â€“ Wall Street! Letterman I had a big weekend. We had the big Fourth of July Letterman picnic. I dozed off and a family member tried to cryogenically freeze me. Every year my uncle does something at the picnic. This year he had two or three Margaritas and started quoting from the Koran. President Bush underwent a colonoscopy. He is fine, except they found 300 missing Gore ballots.