Will The Real Dummy Please Stand Up 1. AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a 26 million dollar severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. 2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up!" 3. WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. 4. THE GETAWAY A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. 5. DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot!", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" 6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No," the man shouted, "This is her husband!" 7. NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he forgot to keep his hand in his pocket. (Helllllllooooooooo) 8. THE GRAND FINALE This is a true story. Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't plane out at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed that everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine: the outdrive went up and down, the prop turned and was the correct size and pitch. So one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. REMEMBER, THIS IS A TRUE STORY Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.