Words to Live By

Discussion in 'The Powder Keg' started by Cyrano, May 30, 2008.

  1. Cyrano

    Cyrano Resident Curmudgeon Forum Contributor

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    1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

    2. Don' t worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

    3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

    4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

    5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

    6. My idea of house work is to sweep the room with a glance.

    7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

    8. A person,who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person.

    9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

    10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

    11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

    12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

    13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

    14. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

    15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

    16. A balanced diet is a hamburger in each hand.

    17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

    18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

    19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it

    20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

    21. Experience is a wonderful thing . It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again .

    22. By the time you can make ends meet, they've moved the ends.

    23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

    24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

    25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

    26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "Meetings."

    27. There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.

    28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

    29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

    30. Nobody cares if you can' t dance well. Just get up and dance .

    31. Never lick a steak knife.

    32 The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

    33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe Daylight Savings Time.

    34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant, unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

    35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

    36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

    37. Your friends love you anyway.

    38. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new.

    39. Remember: a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
     
    Last edited: May 30, 2008
  2. #1 got me rolling on the floor. reminded me of tricks we used to play on a Supervisor many years ago. This guy was one of them (I'm sure yáll know one). Anyway, to cut a long story short, we used to make him coffee and dose it with laxative & sleeping pills!! He was always dog tired and frequently dozed off in his office!! Could never understand it, he was OK at home!!!
     

  3. texnmidwest

    texnmidwest Sir Loin of Beef Forum Contributor

    Sir, you are EVIL:scool:! In a pleasant kind of way.:09:

    One of my grandfather's favorite tricks was to catch a bunch of unsuspecting guests resting on the front porch and offer them some chewing gum. Fenamint laxative gum in a Chicklets box is what they got. One time my aunt was his victim. After chewing the gum for a long time she went home and her stomach started cramping on her. So, she took a laxative. My poor auntie. Took her days to recover. Grandad has been gone 30 years now and I think he is still laughing!
     
  4. #27: My wife agrees with this completely. BTW, I'm going to my Aunt's retirement party today. I already have the Mosin Nagant 91/30 in the car with 300 rounds of ammo, the .44 magnum (I have to stop on the way for ammo), the M&P .45ACP, and of course, the M&P .40 (my CCW).
    My wife looked at the cargo and said "I guess you are stopping at the parent's farm on the way home?" I said we had to as one of my brother's will be stopping there and would like to shoot a 7.62x54r rifle as he never has before.
     
  5. TXplt

    TXplt Gun Toting Boeing Driver Forum Contributor

  6. egef

    egef Guest

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    These are truely words to live by lol.
    I've learned never to lick a steak knife the hard way.
     
  7. LOL !!!!!!!!!!!!! I disagree with #8 but only if the service is BAD, thanks for posting !
     
  8. Cyrano

    Cyrano Resident Curmudgeon Forum Contributor

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    Wunhunglo, when I was a plebe at the Zoo, there was an upperclassman who was a complete, utter and total jerk. He was a bully and slimy with it, who sucked up to the officers and hazed the fourth classmen. He especially disliked me for some reason and harassed me every time he saw me, which was usually half a dozen times a day.

    One time he ordered me to get him a cup of coffee in the messhall. (Upperdorks have the authority to do this, but virtually none of them bother.) I was on the way to chemistry class and had a couple of things in my pocket from having done my homework - a water test. I slipped one drop of phenophaline into his coffee.

    Phenophaline is the active ingredient in Ex-Lax, in case you didn't know; but Ex-La uses a lower molarity than the stuff used for water-testing. He drank the coffee (Academy coffee was so awful you could've concealed cyanide in it) and about 20 minutes later had a wicked case of the trots that well and truly cleaned his guts out. The rest of the day, he spent on the pot.

    He suspected that I'd slipped him something but couldn't prove it. He didn't stop harassing me - but he never asked a plebe to get him a cup of coffee in the mess again!
     
  9. Cyrano that made my day !!!! We use to take chicks rideing around down the back roads and through the woods.
    We would buy some Chic-Let gum and replace the gum with Finament gum which is a fast acting laxative.

    It was so funny when n they'd go to holler'in ...Get me back to town ! Of course we then pretended we were lost.

    We'd end up pulling over and they would bail out and go get behind a tree,

    What was so funny when one had to go 2 or 3 other's had too. We would be yell'in watch for SNAKES..
    And they would huddle together behind a tree and chit.

    That's was bad of us kids to do that !
     
  10. Cyrano........another one on the same line. I life in a country village and there was one farmer guy who drove to the local pub every lunchtime in his pick-up and always left his aggressive dog in the cab. Well, this guy was a bit of an A&&hole and I had a bit of a run in with him and seeing as his dog always barked & growled at anyone who walked close to his pickup I decided to get my own back on them both. Accross the road from the pub is the village store, so I went in and bought some Exlax and slipped a piece into the truck cab through the partially open window. It was not a pretty sight inside that pick-up when the guy came out of the pub!!!
     
  11. Sooner Shooter

    Sooner Shooter G&G Newbie Forum Contributor

    #8 When my daughter was at the age to start dating I told her to watch how the boys she dates treats a waitress and his mother because eventually that's the way he will treat you. I think there's some truth to that!

    Edit: Sorry about that AH but I'm sticken with it!
     
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2008
  12. SwedeSteve

    SwedeSteve Freedom Zealot Forum Contributor

    Loved it!! Many of those hit home.