You know you drink too much coffee when..

Discussion in 'The Powder Keg' started by Doglips, Jun 3, 2002.

  1. Doglips

    Doglips Guest

    You know you drink too much coffee when..

    Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
    You ski uphill.
    You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
    You speed walk in your sleep.
    You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
    You answer the door before people knock.
    You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
    You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
    You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
    You sleep with your eyes open.
    You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
    The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
    You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
    You lick your coffeepot clean.
    You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
    You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
    You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
    Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
    You chew on other people's fingernails.
    The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
    You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
    You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
    You can jump-start your car without cables.
    Cocaine is a downer.
    All your kids are named "Joe."
    You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
    Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
    You don't sweat, you percolate.
    You buy milk by the barrel.
    You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
    You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
    You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
    You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
    You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
    People get dizzy just watching you.
    When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
    You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
    The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
    Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
    Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
    You're so wired, you pick up FM radio.
    People can test their batteries in your ears.
    Your life's goal IS to "amount to a hill of beans."
    Instant coffee takes too long.
    You channel surf faster without a remote.
    When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
    You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
    You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
    Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
    You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
    You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
    You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
    You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
    You get drunk just so you can sober up.
    You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
    Your Thermos is on wheels.
    Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
    You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
    You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
    You short out motion detectors.
    You have a conniption over spilled milk.
    You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
    Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
    You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
    You don't tan, you roast.
    You don't get mad, you get steamed.
    Your three favorite things in life before and coffee after.
    Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
    You can't even remember your second cup.
    You help your dog chase its tail.
    You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
    Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
    You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."
    You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
    Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

    NRAJOE YOU TALKIN' TO ME!? Forum Contributor

    Man i work 12 hr shifts 4 days a week! That stuffs in my veins!

  3. Oxford

    Oxford G&G Evangelist

    A coffee high

    I knew there was a reason I quit drinking so much coffee.

    Since retiring I've quit wasting so much time drinking coffee when I was supposed to be working.
    I still get in about two cups/week. Then those items on the your list kick in quickly. (ha)

  4. Big Dog

    Big Dog Retired IT Dinosaur Wrangler Forum Contributor

    Back on my Navy ship, I was known for brewing a mean cup of "Monday Morning Coffee". One shipmate claimed my coffee would dissolve a styrofoam cup, then he proved it! LOL :D
  5. Oxford

    Oxford G&G Evangelist

    Just got back from my weekly Rotary Club meeting and had two cups of real coffee. Now I'm about as shaky as Clinton when he faced Hilary the morning after having a cigar with Monica.
  6. taras

    taras Guest

    Have you been following me and taking notes? The only one you missed is I don't even complain abt. having a cup of "shop coffee" (you know the stuff they make in the morning and its still there when you come in for the night shift) while I wait fo a new pot to brew.
  7. Oxford

    Oxford G&G Evangelist

    Since I've had to switch to colored water (decaf) I don't drink much "real" coffee. Caffeine causes my heart to race too much.

    Still, I really enjoy smelling the real thing and slip in a cup of the good stuff about once a week. :nod:
  8. Big Dog

    Big Dog Retired IT Dinosaur Wrangler Forum Contributor

    Whew! I made the mistake of making real coffee in the unleaded pot one day, and got a good chewing out. It's real ugly when they're angry and on a caffein high! :p